Recall
by PhoenixInAshes
Summary: Fic based on this prompt: Blaine has a hard time learning the choreography for "Bye, Bye, Bye" because the straps used for the marionette illusion make him feel like he's being tied up - a trigger for him. Details are up to you. Warnings: Past memories/flashbacks of violence from the Sadie Hawkins Dance.


It shouldn't have been a big deal.

There were plenty of things that _were_ a big deal, that _reminded_, that _triggered_.

School Dances. Hair long and curly enough to be _grabbed_, to be _held_. The sound of broken glass. The feel of skin breaking open from skidding across pavement.

But _this_ should not have been a trigger.

At least that's what Blaine kept telling himself firmly, in the desperate hope that if he just repeated it to himself enough times with enough determination, it would be true. But Blaine could already feel the tightening in his chest that signaled the possible beginnings of a panic attack lurking in the background.

_Stop it_, he instructed himself, _this should be a non-issue._

When he had first been approached by Mr. Schuster with the idea, it hadn't occurred to him it might be a problem. At that point, the arguing between Mr. Schue and Finn had gotten so bad the students were willing to go along with pretty much anything up to and including mud wrestling and sacrificing chickens if it meant there might be a resolution to the bickering. (Although to be fair, the chickens in question were rubber, so Blaine didn't feel too guilty about agreeing to idea #37 when it had been offered as an option. He did wonder where on earth Brittany had gotten it from though.)

So when N'SYNC vs Backstreet Boys had been the ultimate choice, Blaine had actually been slightly excited. And relieved. It beat tug-of-war over a mud pit while singing Christina Aguilera's Dirrty. (Sam's choice. Idea #15. Blaine did not want to know….)

And when Mr. Schue had asked Blaine and Jake to help him recreate the original music video feel with the puppeteer theme, the idea intrigued Blaine. He vaguely remembered seeing the video when he was younger, but hadn't retained much from it. He figured he could have only been five or six when it originally came out. So when he checked the video out online, it seemed like it could be kind of fun, bouncing around on stage like he could almost defy gravity.

And when they choreographed the moves without any of the rigging on, he was fine. And when he put his feet through to attach them to the strings, he was still fine. Even when he put on the gloves with the attached ropes hanging loosely, he was still ok. It wasn't until the ropes were pulled taut for the first true rehearsal, and his arms were forced up and out, that he felt the first twinges of discomfort.

He did need control, he would easily admit to that. But it wasn't as if he was in an unsafe position. It would be easy enough to call for a stop to the proceedings and pull his hands out of the gloves. He couldn't quite figure out where the fear was coming from. And he didn't want to make everyone stop for some stupid reason he couldn't even figure out in his own head. Blaine tried his best to force the feeling away and just focus on his next dance move.

The ropes felt different than he had expected. There was enough elasticity in them for him to jump around as needed, but they seemed heavier and less giving than expected. Fifteen seconds into the song the choreography required him to drop to his knees for several seconds. The fall was actually more abrupt than he had anticipated. More jarring. He got a brief flash of hands pushing him, harsh words echoing from memory in his ears as he was forced to his knees in an unnoticed corner outside of a school where _different_ equaled _danger_.

_Not now, don't do this now! Focus! You aren't there!_

Blaine could feel his breathing speed up, gasps hitching in his throat as he struggled to regain his balance, physically and emotionally. _Push through. Keep going._ Blaine's entire attention was focused on trying to keep the moves coming out as practiced while making his rapid heartbeat _slow down_. If the other two had been paying more attention to their surroundings rather than their own moves, they might have noticed and put an end to things before Blaine reached the point where panic took over.

But they weren't. And they didn't. And about a minute and a half into the song, at a point where Finn would have taken over singing in the real showdown, and Mr. Schue, Jake, and Blaine, as the puppets in the background, would have gone motionless, the lights dimmed and Blaine's arms were suddenly pulled straight out on either side of him. There wasn't any space for movement. Blaine's body was trapped. And in the next moment, so was his mind.

_Pain. Fear. Hate. Panic. Can't Move. Why can't I move? Pain, sharp and stabbing. Aching, everywhere. Fear. They won't stop until I'm dead. Have to get away. Not safe. Can't move…trapped…Why can't I move? notsafenotsafenotsafenotsafe ….hurtshurtshurtshurts…_

Unaware of his current surroundings, Blaine collapsed in the ropes, hanging limply as his body tried to curl up around itself in self defense from the perceived threat as his mind shut itself down. Finally aware that something was seriously wrong, Will frantically pulled himself out of the ropes and hurried over to Blaine, Jake doing the same on his other side.

"Blaine? Blaine!" Will's voice was strained, wondering _what could have caused this_? Was he sick? What had happened?

Jake motioned for the technician who had been overseeing the rigging to lower the ropes so they could unhook Blaine.

As Blaine's body lowered to the floor, Mr. Schue carefully manoeuvred him to lie flat on the floor, and sent Jake to bring back the school nurse to evaluate Blaine and determine if an ambulance should be called.

Blaine's eyes fluttered and opened as Will sat watching with concern. His eyes were glassy and confused looking. His hands twitched nervously at his sides.

"Blaine?" Will's tone was quiet, careful.

Haunted eyes turned slowly in his direction. Will watched as recognition slowly seeped back into them as Blaine returned completely from wherever he had gone.

"Blaine, we've sent for the nurse. Just lie still, ok? Can you tell me what happened? Are you hurt?"

Blaine didn't respond. He slowly raised one arm, then the other, staring at them the whole time. Breathing a sigh of relief, he crossed both protectively over his chest and stared up at the ceiling.

Will sat silent, unsure.

Jake walked back in, an older woman trailing behind him. "I found the nurse," he announced.

Mr. Schue nodded his thanks and tilted his head towards the boy on the floor. "He's not very responsive," he stated. "I'm not sure what the cause was. He just suddenly went limp in the ropes."

The woman knelt on the stage beside Blaine. "Can you hear me, Blaine?" she inquired. "I need you to respond to me if you can. I need to decide if we need to call an doctor for you."

Her words nearly sent Blaine into another panic. "No! No doctor! I'm not going to a hospital. That will just make it worse!" He started struggling into a sitting position.

"Easy there," the nurse cautioned, "relax. I'm not saying we definitely have to send for an ambulance. I just need to find out what happened and why. Do you remember what happened?"

Blaine sighed. "Yes. I'm not sick or hurt. It was a stupid panic attack. But I'm ok. Shaken, maybe, but ok. Trust me, sending me to a doctor won't help."

"Blaine…" Will sounded confused. And more than a little concerned. "What triggered the panic attack? Why didn't you say anything?"

Blaine shrugged. He stared down at his hands from his position sitting on the floor for a few minutes. Neither adult pushed him. Will figured Blaine would tell them what happened when he was comfortable. He could almost see him trying to gather courage.

"How much do you know about me before McKinley?" he asked. "Do you know why I was sent to Dalton Academy before I came here?"

"Not a lot," Jake admitted. "I know there was some kind of problem at your old school and you got hurt." "People talk," he added apologetically.

"Yeah, I don't really like to talk about it that much, but there's a few people who know. It's not really a secret," Blaine explained.

"You might know that I went with a guy to my old school's Sadie Hawkins dance," Blaine began. "We were attacked and beaten up by some people who didn't…approve of our choices. They hurt both of us pretty badly. I remember feeling terrified they wouldn't just stop at beating us up. It was a really bad night. I still get nightmares and flashbacks sometimes from it. Little things can trigger memories. Sometimes I get caught up in them and it takes a while to get back out…" Blaine trailed off.

"Is that what happened?" Jake asked. "Did you get a flashback to getting beaten up or something?"

"Not…exactly." Blaine answered. "From the moment I put the gloves on and the ropes were pulled tight, I felt uncomfortable. But I couldn't figure out why. It didn't remind me of what happened at the dance. Not that I could remember. But that tense feeling just kept getting worse. I went down on my knees and flashed back for a second to being pushed down that night, but that wasn't what actually freaked me out. And it wasn't until I was totally gone under a flashback that I realized why the ropes were making me panicky. I'm sorry, I messed up your performance."

"Blaine," Mr. Schue sounded half compassionate and half exasperated. "You didn't _ruin_ anything. It was a _rehearsal_. And you're more important than a stupid music video by a 90's boyband. I don't want you to ever have to do anything that would make you this uncomfortable. Even if you just _think_ it might. Next time talk to me first, ok? We can make something else work. Or use someone else if need be. Can you tell me what did make you panic so we know what to avoid in the future?"

Blaine kind of wanted to cry. His heartbeat had receded to a manageable rhythm. He was feeling more steady. And he was impressed with how understanding Mr. Schue was being. For all his faults and occasional cluelessness, he did manage to pull out the right responses when it really mattered. "It was the ropes," he explained.

Jake looked slightly ill. "The ropes? Why? Did they _tie you up_ when they attacked you?"

Blaine shook his head. Just the thought made him slightly ill, too. "No. They held us down, but they didn't restrain us with anything but their own hands. It was _after_ that I was remembering. You have to understand, it was a while until someone found us and called for an ambulance. I was drifting in and out of consciousness at that point. I blacked out before we made it to the hospital. And when I woke up, I was scared, and in pain, and didn't know where I was, or if I was safe, and I was pretty drugged up and disoriented…"

Will's face showed slowly dawning understanding. "You woke up in the hospital tied to the bed, didn't you?"

Blaine nodded. There was pain reflected in his expression.

Jake looked horrified. "Why would they _do that_?"

Blaine just shrugged. "It wasn't like they were doing it to be hateful. They didn't really have a choice. I was scared and out of it and they couldn't get me to stop thrashing around. I kept pulling out IV's and would have hurt injuries I already had more if they just let me keep on moving. So they restrained me. They untied everything once I was aware enough that I realized what had happened and they knew I wasn't going to do more damage unthinkingly, but when I first woke up…"

"It must have been terrifying," Jake whispered.

"It was."

"I wish I knew this before," Will said. "Not that I'm saying you should have told me. You have a right to your privacy. You don't have to tell anyone anything you aren't comfortable sharing. But I wish I could have helped you."

"It's not your fault," Blaine stated wearily. "It isn't anyone's. Sometimes things just hit me out of the blue. And then I just have to deal with them."

Mr. Schue nodded. "But you don't have to deal with them alone, Blaine. Every member of the Glee Club, myself included, are more than willing to help you. Any time you need it. Just remember that, ok?"

"I will," Blaine said quietly. "Thank you, Mr. Schue."

"We are going to put this feud aside," Will declared. "My differences with Finn can be settled later, hopefully in a more adult fashion. We're going to shelve N'SYNC vs BSB for the moment."

Mr. Schue cut off Blaine's protests before they could really get started. "I'm not saying forever, just for the moment. There are more important things to deal with. If we decide to revisit the number, it's going to be at your pace Blaine. If you don't want to do it again, that's fine. If you do, we can look at that possibility as well. But we are going to see about getting you some proper support either way. The Glee Club isn't about the music primarily Blaine. It's about the _people_. So we're going to do what's best for it's members. You can say no to a performance you don't feel comfortable doing. And if you need some extra support, we'll help you. _You matter_, Blaine."

Blaine tried not to be too obvious about it, but he was wiping subtly at his eyes. "I appreciate it Mr. Schue. I do like the idea of the song. I was just caught by surprise. I would like to give it another chance."

Will nodded. "Then we'll work on it. At your pace. Whatever you need. And then….we'll totally kick the Backstreet Boys butts! N'SYNC all the way!

Jake smiled reassuringly at Blaine, then turned to Mr. Schuester. "Is it a bad time to mention I actually have virtually no idea who either of those bands actually are, anyways?"


End file.
